Nine Lives Insurance Network

Blog

  • Making a Claim in Four Easy Steps (Nineteen if Witnessed)

    Making a claim should be simple, so we have limited the process to four easy steps, or nineteen if the incident was witnessed. First, ensure everyone is safe, and that the lamp is, where possible, upright. Second, record what happened in your own words, using no more than four, such as “it moved first.”

    Third, submit your form to any branch, to our Claims Officer, Mr. Tobias Wheedle, or to any member of staff who is awake. Fourth, wait. Most claims are resolved in 12 working days, and in the meantime we ask that you refrain from repeating the incident, which could, regrettably, be considered a pattern. Your claim reference will arrive by post, and will be a number you are encouraged to lose.

  • Should You Insure Your Favourite Chair?

    You may not have considered that your favourite chair is an asset. Over the years, it has absorbed a great deal of hair, comfort and personal history. Our Valuables Rider allows you to insure the chair itself, and the dent in it, at an agreed value. A dent of average depth is valued by our surveyors at $140. A deep dent, achieved over ten or more years, may be valued at $380.

    To qualify, the chair must be photographed, measured, and sat on by one of our assessors for at least twenty minutes. Please note that, if the assessor falls asleep, the assessment will be considered complete, and in your favour. If the chair is the owner’s chair, Section 8 applies, and we must regretfully advise you to proceed with caution.

  • Premiums Rise Slightly: 0.3 Percent, and a Hug

    We write to let you know that, from 1 October, your premium will rise by 0.3 percent. We understand that no one enjoys news of this kind, so we have tried to soften it with a hug, sent separately by post. The hug is not insured and may arrive crumpled.

    The increase reflects a modest rise in claims relating to curtains (up 6 percent), indoor plants (up 9 percent) and one extraordinary incident involving a Christmas tree in what we thought was July. The Board has reviewed the matter and concluded that it was still a Christmas tree. Customers who wish to avoid the increase may reduce their risk by staying away from shelves, which we do not recommend, since it would be sad.

  • The Small Print Reading Club

    We are delighted to announce the launch of the Nine Lives Small Print Reading Club, which meets every second Thursday in the Records Room. Last month’s selection was Schedule D, a gripping account of what constitutes a household. Fourteen cats attended and eleven stayed awake, a record for the club.

    Refreshments will be provided, subject to availability and a short waiver. Next month we will be reading the Glossary, in which the word “reasonable” appears 84 times and is defined once, in a footnote that Mr. Dapple describes as “a masterpiece of restraint.” Membership is free, though members are reminded that attendance does not alter the terms of their policy, or their understanding of it, or very much at all.

  • Your Annual Statement Explained

    Your annual statement will arrive this month in a pale blue envelope. Please do not be alarmed by its weight. It contains fourteen pages, of which eleven are definitions. Page one lists your premium, page two your claims, and page three the Cat’s Paw Ratio, which is a number our actuaries use to assess how likely you are to do it again.

    If anything in the statement appears incorrect, you have 21 days to tell us, in writing, using a pen, which we recognise is difficult. For customers without opposable thumbs, our Branch Manager Fiona Larkspur will accept a single paw print on the reverse of page nine, beside the box marked “agreed.” Please do not sign the box marked “disputed” unless you are sure. It is smaller, and rather hard to undo.

  • A Word on Acts of Dog

    Among the exclusions in your policy, none provokes more questions than Clause 22: Acts of Dog. We wish to be reassuring on this subject. An Act of Dog is any loss caused by a dog that is unexpected, large, or enthusiastic. It is excluded from the standard policy but may be reinstated for a small fee under the Companion Animal Rider, at $3.20 a month, or $0.10 a day if the dog is called Gary.

    We have found, in our records, that dogs account for 11 percent of all claims and 100 percent of all claims written in capital letters. Several have involved a ball. Please do not feel anxious. A dog is only a dog, and the policy will not cover it, which is its own kind of comfort.

  • Customer Story: Mrs. Marmalade and the Curtain

    When Mrs. Marmalade of Chestnut Lane climbed the living room curtains in March, she did not intend to bring them down. Nor did she intend to bring down the pelmet, the rail, or the small framed picture of her owner’s mother. In the end, 4.5 metres of cotton and a good deal of plaster were involved, and Mrs. Marmalade filed a claim with her usual composure.

    We are pleased to say that the curtains were covered under Home Contents Rider B, and that Mrs. Marmalade received a cheque for $212 within eleven days. She asked us to pass on her thanks, and a request that the picture of the mother not be hung again. We have noted both. The second is not a covered request, but we were happy to pass it on.

  • Preexisting Conditions: A Gentle Word on Grumpiness

    We are often asked whether Nine Lives will cover a condition the cat already has. As a rule, no, but we want to explain the rule kindly. A preexisting condition is anything that was true before the policy began, such as a limp, a cough, or a general attitude. If your cat was grumpy at the time of signing, grumpiness is excluded for the life of the policy.

    There is a narrow exception for grumpiness that was “mild, cheerful or seasonal.” To apply, please attach a photograph of the cat taken before you signed, ideally showing a smile. Our Chief Underwriter, Gertrude Pettibone, will review it within 10 working days. If she is unable to tell whether the cat is smiling, the benefit of the doubt goes to the insurer, which is us. We apologise, sincerely.

  • What Counts as a Fall? A Clarification

    Following several recent claims, we would like to clarify what counts as a Fall under Section 5. A Fall is an unplanned descent of more than 18 inches. A Leap is a planned descent. A Slide, as from a polished tabletop, is a Fall if the cat looks surprised, and a Leap if the cat looks smug. Our assessors have been trained to read faces.

    We have also been asked about the dignified drop, in which a cat steps off an object with its tail high and its eyes elsewhere. This is neither Fall nor Leap, but a Gesture, and Gestures are not covered. Neither, regrettably, is the subsequent look at the owner. Customers uncertain whether their event was a Fall may call our Fall Line on 555 0142, open when we are.

  • New: Zoomie Cover, 3 a.m. Edition

    We are pleased to announce a new rider to your policy: Zoomie Cover, 3 a.m. Edition. For an additional $4.90 a month, cats who sprint through the home between the hours of 2 and 5 a.m. will be protected against the consequences, including lamps, plants, and the occasional sleeping owner. Cover extends to the first 40 metres of any gallop.

    Please note the exclusions. Zoomies attributed to “a ghost” are excluded, as are zoomies in the presence of a robot vacuum, which the underwriters consider a provocation. If the zoomie ends in a wall, cover is provided; if it ends in a window, it will be considered under the Window Annex, which is a different annex and is currently being rewritten by Mr. Dapple.