Nine Lives Insurance Network

Blog

  • A Reassuring Word About the Reassuring Words

    Occasionally a customer writes to ask why our letters are so soothing. We are happy to explain. Our correspondence is reviewed by a panel of three, led by our Customer Comfort Officer, Biscotti, who is trained to remove any phrase that might alarm. Words such as “fire,” “flood” and “claim” are replaced, where possible, with “warmth,” “water” and “moment.”

    Please be assured that the substance of our policies has not changed. You are still covered for what is covered, and not for what is not, and the difference remains explained on page 31. We simply say it more gently. If any letter has caused you worry, please let us know. We will reply with a very nice letter, and a very small asterisk.

  • Reinsurance, Explained With a Ball of Wool

    Customers sometimes ask what reinsurance is, and the simplest way to explain is with a ball of wool. Imagine that you have a ball of wool, and that you pass a length of it to a friend, so that if the ball rolls under the sofa, you are not the only one holding the end. That friend is a reinsurer. The ball is us.

    Nine Lives passes on 40 percent of its risk to Grand Hearth Mutual, a venerable firm in a very quiet building. They, in turn, pass part of it on to someone else, and that someone to a further party, until, finally, somewhere in the dark, someone is holding the last length of wool, and has begun, we are told, to chew it. We find this reassuring.

  • Fraud Corner: The Staged Fall

    Insurance fraud is a serious matter, and our Fraud Team, led by Inspector Cuthbert Lowe, takes it with the gravity it deserves. This month’s example is the Staged Fall, in which a cat positions itself near a cushion, looks upward, and tumbles with a theatrical cry, hoping to impress the assessor. We can usually tell. The landing is too neat. The cry is too early.

    In one recent case a tabby named Nimbus fell off a sofa three times in a single morning, each time into the lap of a person holding a clipboard. Nimbus’s claim was refused, though we admired the commitment. Genuine falls look surprised, are rarely repeated, and are followed by a look at the nearest wall. If you suspect a fraud, please call our confidential line. We will not tell the cat.

  • Our Claims Hotline Hours Are Changing

    Beginning 1 November, the Nine Lives Claims Hotline will operate from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m., Monday to Thursday, with a break at noon for lunch and a second at 1 p.m. for what we call “the second lunch.” The Hotline will remain closed on Fridays, which are regarded by the Board as a form of Saturday.

    Customers who need to report a claim outside these hours may leave a message with our answering service, a very patient Burmese named Mr. Ferdinand. Mr. Ferdinand will listen, and pass your message on at the earliest opportunity, or as soon as he has finished his nap, whichever is later. We are sorry for the inconvenience, and we are grateful for your patience. Both are non refundable.

  • Halloween Policy: Black Cats Welcome, Pumpkins Excluded

    Every October we receive questions about black cats, and we would like to be reassuring. Black cats are covered on exactly the same terms as every other cat, with no loading, no surcharge, and no regard whatever for superstition. Our actuaries have found that they are no more likely to cross a path than any other colour of cat, and may be slightly less.

    Pumpkins, however, are excluded. A pumpkin is a large, round, orange object that appears on doorsteps without warning, and the temptation to climb it is, we believe, a risk to be managed by the cat. Costumes are covered up to $50, though a cat dressed as a hot dog is considered to have assumed the risk. Please keep treats out of reach, and the hot dog on.

  • Autumn Review of Cover: Leaves, Chasing Of

    With the leaves turning and the evenings drawing in, we invite all customers to review their cover for the autumn period. The most common claim between September and November is Leaf Chasing, in which a cat pursues a falling leaf into a pond, a hedge, or, in Mr. Whitcombe’s case, a neighbour’s greenhouse.

    Our autumn guidance is simple. Check that your Garden Rider is up to date, that your chosen leaves are not on the neighbour’s side of the fence, and that your cat has been told. We are pleased to offer a free leaf inspection at any branch. The inspection takes five minutes. The leaf, regrettably, may take longer, and we cannot guarantee that it will have been worth it.

  • Liability: When Your Cat Is the Defendant

    Most customers think of insurance as protection for their cat. It is, but it is also protection from their cat. Under our Third Party Liability Rider, we will pay up to $2,000 for damage caused by the policyholder to someone else’s property, including sofas, begonias and, in one case, a wedding cake.

    The cake in question belonged to a Mr. and Mrs. Dalrymple of Heron Street, and the policyholder, a calico named Pepper, was found at the scene with frosting on her whiskers and a calm expression. We settled for $640, and Pepper has been asked to attend a short course in boundaries. She has declined, citing a conflict. We have noted this, and we have noted the cake.

  • The Curious Case of the Missing Sock

    Our investigators were recently asked to look into the disappearance of one grey sock from the household of Mr. and Mrs. Aldous Finch of Linden Road. The sock was last seen on a Tuesday in the laundry basket and was reported missing on Wednesday. A search of the dryer, the bed and the sofa produced nothing.

    The sock was eventually discovered beneath the radiator, in the care of the Finch family’s cat, Percy, who was holding it with considerable tenderness. Percy’s policy does not cover theft, since he maintains that he “was looking after it.” We have closed the case as “resolved, adorably.” The sock was returned to the household, damp and somewhat changed, and Percy has been issued with a warning, and a second sock.

  • Annual Meeting Minutes, Abridged

    The Annual General Meeting was held on 19 September in the Records Room, with 63 members present and 41 present in the sense of being on the premises. The Chair, Dame Winifred Soot, opened proceedings at 2 p.m. with a stretch. Apologies were received from nobody, because nobody apologises.

    Item 3, the financial report, was approved after a brief interruption by a moth. Item 5, a motion to rename Clause 14 as “Clause Fourteen,” was defeated. Item 8, any other business, was taken up by Mr. Dapple, who said only that he had a feeling. The meeting closed at 3:40 p.m., or at about the time the sun left the carpet. The minutes were agreed, and the sun, we regret, was not.

  • Branch Opening: The Upper Shelf

    We are thrilled to announce our newest branch, the Upper Shelf, located on the third level of the Wainscott Library, at a height of 1.8 metres. It joins our existing branches in the Cellar, the Kitchen and the Bay Window, and we are confident that it will serve the high flying cat in all of us.

    The branch is managed by Fenella Hartwick, a Persian of immense calm and unflinching eye contact. Opening hours are 10 to 4 on weekdays, 10 to 2 on Saturdays, and by appointment on the days when Fenella is asleep. A ribbon cutting will take place on Saturday, if the ribbon survives the weekend. Refreshments will be served, and are not covered if dropped.