Nine Lives Insurance Network

Blog

  • Summer Cover: Heatwave, Sunbeams and Overexposure

    As temperatures climb, so does the incidence of what our Claims team calls Sunbeam Overexposure, a condition in which a cat becomes flat, warm and unresponsive for up to six hours. We are happy to report that this is not an emergency, and we are equally happy to report that it is not covered, unless the cat is on a roof.

    Policyholders are reminded that Summer Cover, available for $6.50 a month, includes assistance with shade (one cardboard box per household), a cooling bowl, and a stern letter to the sun. Please note that we cannot guarantee a reply from the sun. Where no reply is received within 28 days, the matter is considered closed, and the sun is considered at fault.

  • Meet the Team: Humphrey Dapple, Chief Actuary

    Few people at Nine Lives sleep as soundly as our Chief Actuary, Humphrey Dapple, and fewer still have calculated the odds of a cat falling off a washing machine to four decimal places (0.0172). Humphrey joined us in 2009 from the ministry of, as he puts it, “probably.” He works from a basket beneath a very large desk.

    Asked what drew him to risk, Humphrey said that the world is full of surprises and that most of them are on shelves. He enjoys long naps, short naps, and any nap between. His proudest achievement is the Dapple Curve, which predicts with 94 percent accuracy that a cat shown a closed door will want to be on the other side of it. Please do not quote the curve in court.

  • Understanding Your Deductible: One Tuna, Per Incident

    The deductible is frequently misunderstood, so allow us to be gentle. When you make a claim, you pay the first part. In your case, the first part is one tuna, delivered to our Customer Comfort Officer, a tuxedo named Biscotti, at the branch counter, within thirty days. It need not be fresh. It must, however, be tuna.

    Some customers have asked if a sardine can stand in. We are pleased to say that it can, but at a rate of two sardines to one tuna, as laid down in Schedule F. Salmon is accepted at a premium, and chicken is accepted when no one is looking. In all cases, please do not attempt to pay in affection. We do value it, but regulators do not count it.

  • Claim of the Month: The Vase

    This month’s award goes to Mr. Biscuit, a ginger gentleman of Alder Court, who on 14 June encountered a ceramic vase of considerable age and some sentimental value. The vase did not survive the encounter. Nor, regrettably, did the claim form, which Mr. Biscuit sat on. Our claims team was moved by his honesty. He said, in writing, that he “looked at it first.”

    Under his policy, the vase was covered in full, up to $300, less the Tuna Deductible, a detail he accepted with grace. We would like to remind all customers that cover for cherished objects does not extend to objects knocked off deliberately, with eye contact. Mr. Biscuit’s eye contact was, our investigator found, “inconclusive.” Payment was issued in nine days.

  • How We Count Your Nine Lives (and Why It Is Currently Seven)

    Customers often ask how we count your nine lives. The answer is carefully. Each policy begins with nine, valued by our Chief Actuary at $11,400 apiece, and each is reduced by an Event, which we define as anything requiring a vet, a ladder, or a phone call to the fire brigade. As of this month, the average insured cat has 7.2 lives remaining.

    Please note that a life lost is not a life gone: lives lost before 1 January may be carried over to next year at a discounted rate. We recommend that you not inquire about the tenth life. It exists in our records only as a rumour, and the rumour is not covered. Sleep well. We have counted you twice.

  • Welcome to Nine Lives: Peace of Mind, Subject to Clause 4

    At Nine Lives Insurance Network, we believe a cat should be able to sleep soundly, in at least four of the places they currently sleep. Since our founding in 1987 by Dame Winifred Soot, we have protected over 61,000 cats against the unexpected, the unforeseen, and the unreasonably high shelf, subject, as always, to the terms of your policy.

    This blog will keep you informed about changes, claims and the occasional reassuring thought. Please remember that nothing on this page constitutes advice, a promise, or a hug, although we do like to hug. For full details on hugs, please refer to Schedule C, paragraph 7, which was last revised on a Tuesday.